When you're in too deep and you don't know why
Learning to be well isn’t easy. And it’s not something that can be done alone. It’s why I’ve been loving the voices of some of you that have been brave to share your journeys to well here. I’ve been amazed how many have gone back to the idea of a water well. It was something that never crossed my mind when I started this journey but something has so many metaphors for this road we are on.
Here is Tshepiso’s story:
When I came across the "well" challenge on ilovedevotionals.com, I wanted to write a perfect piece.
Then I realised that the beauty of my story lies in how imperfectly perfect it is, so I dug deep.
The dictionary.com definition of a well is: "a deep hole or shaft sunk into the Earth to tap into a substance”.
In my own words, a well is a hole deep in the ground in a belief that something will be found at its deepest end.
In 2012, at eighteen, I left home for university feeling like I was about to change the world. Three weeks in, I had a break down because I couldn't register for my dream degree and had to settle for second best. Something I had never had to do, ever.
The next two years were the most trying times of my life. I suffered from depression, constant and relentless panic attacks. I was always crying in the bathroom, on my living room floor, or trying not to cry as I left my house for campus.
To add to that my academic performance dropped which left me more depressed and sick so I was constantly either on medication or in hospital. And crying. Always crying.
Through all of that, I still tried: to find another degree, to reapply for accounting, to graduate and then come back and do accounting. But none of it felt right.
In a conversation with my mother on one of my (many) worst days, she asked me a question:
"Baby, what is God trying to take out of you with all this? Listen to Him. God wouldn't be digging so deep within you, if He wasn't trying to take something out of you, so He Himself can place something better."
God was digging a well in me. But I kept trying to find a way around it.
In Genesis 16, when Hagar was running away from a challenging situation, she didn't see God.
God was in that moment, watching her and knowing exactly what she had to offer the world.
If only she could stop running and let Him take over.
Like Hagar, I also ran away from what I needed.
And it is when I stopped and said, "Not my will, Father” that I realised that He was there all along.
God will give us something that will glorify Him from all the challenges. For Hagar, it was Ishmael. For me, in this moment it is the knowledge that none His promises ever fail (Joshua 23:14).
God has blessed me with a hardworking, persevering spirit with the potential to have achieved my accounting degree in record time. But looking back, my plans never had anything to do with serving God.
In Ezekiel 36:26 God says “And I will give you a new heart, and I will put a new spirit in you. I will take out your stony, stubborn heart and give you a tender, responsive heart” (NLT). I see now that God was trying to change me for the better.
I had to dig deep within myself to jump over every hurdle. It felt like God dug deep within me to call me to a place where I was living for Him, and Him alone.
Today, I AM well because I realise that the “well” that God was digging inside me is serving its purpose.
It has brought me closer to Jesus, to a place where I know that nothing happens if not by God's mercy, grace and love. And the Holy Spirit is my constant companion.
Even with all the bumps, bruises and scars, it is well.
I have a story to share about God's restoration power and for that I am glad.
Some mornings I still wake up crying but I know that I am still well. The journey has been long and trying. But I can proudly say that I am better for all that has happened because my well is a place where Jesus will always find me ready to serve and do the Father's will.
I thank God for digging deep into me, for digging a well in my soul.
About Tshepiso Moloi
I’m a daughter of the highest God who’s blessed to be in final year at University. I’m (re)learning how to write and speak well again so I can find my voice again. And I’m simply grateful for God bringing me to a point in my life where I never imagined I’d be healed and a walking testimony.
Find me at:
If you’d like to share your “well” story find out how to here. Also, if you haven’t read the other stories on “well” click here to read them.