I leave well. It is an odd thing to do well, I know. But it is one of the best ‘wells’ I have done and it changed the course of my life.
So how does one leave well? I will share my secret.
Life was going smoothly and one day I discovered this dark spot. I was so intrigued that I tried to sneak a peek, but the dark spot sucked me in. I was baited, hooked and couldn’t get loose.
I met the dark spot at work. Before I knew it, I was with it days and nights, eventually co-habitating. I became so wrapped up in my life with the dark spot that I withdrew from family and friends.
See, dark spot liked to drink. We began sharing a case of Miller Light, taking shots of straight vodka between each. We did this daily. At first I did it because dark spot did. But then I discovered it was great for numbing the aching soul.
I was on the bathroom floor. My hands were in my hair, gripping and pulling. I was crying – that bellowing cry. Why had I been so stupid? (No, I am not referring to my co-habitation with dark spot or about the extremely excessing drinking.) I was stupid because I had tried to stand up to dark spot and failed. I knew better than to try.
Dark spot called me names. It would remind me that I was nothing and that I didn’t deserve the house it gave me to live in. Dark spot made me look in the mirror so I could “put a face with ignorance” and the word “nothing.”
I really was nothing. That is how I felt, anyways.
I think it is true – the more you hear something, the more you start to believe it. I did.
A year down the road and the painful words turned into painful bruises.
Being pulled of the bed by my ankles because of a missing shirt, pushed up against a wall because of my reaction to my dog getting kicked, or slapped and shoved in a Chinese restaurant parking lot… Dark spot needed control and I was too weak to fight it.
The next morning, I would receive flowers, breakfast, some chocolates, a nice card. And always, always the words “I’m so sorry” and “it was a mistake,” and, of course, “it will never happen again” would play over and over as if trying to reach my subconscious.
I was so alone and broken that I was beginning to think this was normal. That maybe this is what I deserved for some wrong I did in my past.
And then the turning point came…
At the time I didn’t know where the strength came from, but I mustered all I had and was able to load my car up with as much I could and sneak out. Dark spot thought I was going to the store. Surprise, surprise… I was driving back home to my family – several states away. I was free.
That was 8 years ago. I decided to leave well. I won – myself, my family, friends, love and support.
It is only now that I realize I was not alone during that time.
God was with me. He was the one who gave me strength.
It doesn’t matter if your struggle is that the chocolate ice cream machine is broken or that your spirit is broken – God brings you through it, to the joy on the other side. Always.
3 Not only so, but we also glory in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; 4 perseverance, character; and character, hope. 5 And hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured out into our hearts through the Holy Spirit, who has been given to us. – Romans 5:3-5
I have accepted God as the light of my life and have since grown in so many ways. For out of my darkness came light. I would not be the person I am today if God had not molded me in my trials.
About Michelle Blan
I am in my late 30s and didn’t find God until a couple of years ago. More recently I have been discovering all of the amazing things he is capable of and I love to share his word. I work by day as a paralegal, but I am doing some freelance writing on the side. Nothing too crazy! Connect with me on my blog, www.shellblan.com or on twitter, @shellblan.